Saturday, October 31, 2009

I hate having my expectations shattered. That is, in large part, why I avoid excitement. If you resign yourself to accepting the outcomes whether good or bad with limited emotions attached it is much easier to deal with results.

August 12, 2009

I cry in the travel sections of bookstores.

Today wasn't the first time. Lonely Planet recently published a new Vietnam book. The last time there was a new edition I cried too. I also cried looking at a picture book of Hong Kong when I returned from Asia in 2007, and got misty eyed looking at a Hong Kong map today. I had to go look at travel books of Central America to stabalize my emotions.

When do I get to go back? And will just visitng be enough?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm moving today.

It was all very spur of the moment. Two weeks ago when I decided I was not prepared to purchase a house I felt like it was time for another significant change in my life. So I decided to move in with my friend Sarah.

Sarah has a two bedroom, two bath condo five blocks from my current apartment. Everything about moving in with her seemed logical. Emersson can come; there is a gym in the building; it is the same distance to work; rent is cheaper. I was also informed that I am anti-social and thus living alone is not healthy for me. So two days later the decision was made.

Two weeks later my apartment is in complete disarray. I am partially packed and freaking out about the logistics of it all. The definite positive to this move is realizing how much less stuff I have compared to previous moves. Maybe I am able to embrace simplistic living (well apart from the vast quantity of clothing I own).


Regardless, after tonight and a solid week of cleaning, I will be saying good bye to my apartment. I think it will be good for me.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I started looking at purchasing a house recently. Well not really looking. I was serious enough to apply for a pre-approved mortgage and contact a realtor. But not serious enough to start physically visiting homes. Anyway, I think that's over. I didn't like the size of a mortgage I was approved for.

I reactivated my facebook account last week. It was a bad idea. I spent the last hour looking at other people's profiles. I know why facebook is bad for me. It makes me feel inferior. Unsuccessful. Jealous. I compare my life, and my status in life, to people I've known at one point or another. In that hour I could pinpoint all the things that were missing from my life.

• owning a house
• a scooter
• being engaged
• being married
• having a baby/child (since when do I want kids?)
  
• having enough money to live somewhere else
• having enough money to travel
• postgraduate degree

It was stupid. I know I don't need any of things to validate me. But when I look at my profile, and then at their profile all I can see is how much farther behind I am.

DOES THIS EVER CHANGE? Will I ever get out of this Jr High mentality of comparing myself to everyone else? I mean it's much less about body image and appearance now (although that still registers on the radar of my inferiority complex) than it was then, but the logic is still the same. I can't live like this. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to feel inferior to other people because we have made different choices. Why should I be jealous of the 28 year old friend who just had a baby? I don't want a baby. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want that responsibility or life. I've never wanted to be married at 19, or 21 or 23 or even 25. Why would I be jealous of the people that chose that? It's ridiculous. Logic why have you failed me?

I started thinking about law school again. I wonder if it's my cop out. Whenever this inferiority complex rises, I revert back to thinking about it as an option. I don't regret declining my admission offer to the University of Manitoba for last fall. It wasn't right for me. I had finally landed a real job. And honestly U of M is one of the last places I would like to secure an LLB... But nonetheless the idea is still tempting. The debt related to it is not.

June 12, 2009

I feel like I keep waiting for something exciting to happen. And instead I just get life.

May 12, 2009

It's hard to blog when I do not feel like anything is happening.

Wow, that sounded way more negative than I had intended.

I guess it just feels like life is way too normal. There is no adventure involved in doing virtually the same thing every day. Thus there is no sharing.

Nonetheless I embrace routine. It is nice to wake up everyday and know where and when I have to be at work and that that is a constant. It helps me live a healthier life. One where there is time to exercise daily (or at least attempt to) and cook proper meals. The extent to which I love routine makes me feel prematurely old.

But the problem with routine is that it can cause a rut. It makes you too comfortable where you are at and impedes growth and the act of embracing change. Routine builds complacency.

So when I should be thinking about returning to school and figuring out what my options for study are, what Master's program in what country with what specialty, instead I think about purchasing items that will make my life here more convenient (bought a freezer last week). Or I should be looking into opportunities that will further my professional development in terms of a job that better uses my skill set and could involve moving, instead I look at houses on MLS and evaluate the size of mortgage I am eligible for versus what I could afford. I am happy here. Winnipeg is home. There are times walking through my neighbourhood of West Broadway that I am extremely content. I like my mixed-income neighbourhood, where I am faced with the reality of poverty on a daily basis. But I like it for now. I don't want to like it for forever.

I want to want more. Does that make sense?